"He calls his reflection fake news. He tried to pardon himself from Monopoly jail. He once tried to buy the moon: 'great real estate, nobody lives there'. He autographs subpoenas before reading them. He holds rallies in front of mirrors so the crowd is always double tremendous. His hair has its own non-disclosure agreement. He insists 'If I was on Mount Rushmore it would be called Trumpmore', so many people are saying this.' His skin tone was invented in a Doritos lab. He hires people to clap when he walks into the bathroom. He calls his golf game 'unbeatable, absolutely perfect', some say even the balls are impressed. He says 'Nobody tweets better than me, other presidents tried but frankly they just didn't have the thumbs.' He became president three times. He owns all of Atlantic City but hasn't been there in 25 years. He tried to rename the sun 'Trump light'. His hands dwarf those of an average newborn baby. He didn't release the Epstein files but at least we got involved in another war for Israel. He is the most tremendous man in the world."
